i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
