i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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