Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Naked Twister starts at high noon
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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