i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
