he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
