hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
