"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
