i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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