whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
