Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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