....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
