Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
