New low: just hacked my moms facebook
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
