Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
