cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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