I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
