Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
