I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
