I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
