You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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