he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
