You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
