If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He? As in you personified your dick?
Pants are for mortals
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
