I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
