Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
