last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
