wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
