I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
His nipple licking is glorious
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