I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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