dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
COCAINE IS GR8
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
