dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I wear drunk well.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
