I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
