4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
