Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My cat gives me a boner
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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