Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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