Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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