I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
