I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
