Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We left an ass print on the piano.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
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