Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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