i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
