Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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