I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
