Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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