He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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