I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
