He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
