Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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