I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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