the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
