youre lurking in front of me
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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