Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
