Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My life is pants optional.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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