You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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