We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
