i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
