Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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