Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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