my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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