Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize