it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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