My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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