my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
